


Everything Hurts

by GallicGalaxy



Category: Outlast (Video Games)
Genre: AU??, Emotions, Everything Hurts and I'm Dying, Fluff, M/M, Pretty much prose poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2018-03-18 14:30:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3573140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallicGalaxy/pseuds/GallicGalaxy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Recovery is slow and painful, and nothing makes sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> Yooo guess whose hormones are raging and who wrote another fluffy Waylon/Eddie fic.  
> I drew on some personal experiences for most of this so it's sort of a vent. Told from Waylon's point of view. Possibly a post-asylum AU who knows  
> I know I promised you guys a smutty one and it's coming, no pun intended. Eventually

It hurts to know there's something wrong with you. It hurts to stare at the ceiling and think about everything that's fucked up inside your head. It hurts to lie awake at night thinking about everything that has ever frightened you, and it hurts to worry yourself to sleep.

It hurts to be afraid all the time. It hurts to pretend like you're not afraid, and it hurts to cry alone. The diamond tears burn like there's lava in your eyes. It hurts to sit there and shake and grit your teeth and tell yourself to stop being scared. But it hurts even more when you don't listen and you just keep being afraid.

It hurts to wish you were dead. To sit there in a state of apathy so overwhelming you wonder why you can't die from sheer lack of will. It hurts to be so lost you don't feel like crying, to trace your fingers over ever single scar you thought you'd forgotten about.

“ _Something wrong with you”_ hurts. Ambiguity is scary, but the specifics are scarier. _Something_ is scary, and you don't know what it is or if it's even real. Both knowing and not knowing hurt, but once you have one you can't get the other back. Then it's over, and it's just the pain of knowing that there _is_ something wrong with you and watching the world get cut away from you.

Worrying still hurts. Yelling hurts until you lose your voice and then it hurts to even bring air into your lungs. Hurting other people hurts, even if you didn't mean to. Apologizing hurts because you know you'll never really be forgiven, and you know there's no way this is the last time you'll have to apologize for something. 

Hurting the ones you love hurts, but so does being alone. Being trapped hurts. Not knowing how to make decisions hurts. Being lost hurts. 

Telling yourself you'll be okay doesn't make it hurt less. It just loses all its meaning until it ends up hurting too, becoming just a dull little prod at the healing wounds. Hiding your emotions doesn't make it hurt less either. It just shoves them all back so that they can come flooding in again when you're lying awake for the 700 th time trying to sleep and ending up crying instead. 

Watching people who are okay hurts. It makes you feel worse and worse when you see them heal, when you hear them talk about how much they struggled, when you see them go about their lives without all the problems you can't get over. 

Opening your eyes in the morning hurts, just as much as trying to close them at night hurts. Fear always hurts and it comes from everywhere, anywhere, like there's a rattlesnake poised around any corner, hiding behind the most mundane events and waiting to strike.

Regretting hurts. Remembering hurts. It hurts to feel like you're worrying over nothing and it hurts to realize that fighting with yourself is futile. It hurts to feel like you're never going to get better. It hurts to fall down and not get up, and it hurts to try to tell people that it's not because you aren't trying.

It hurts to breathe. It feels like the weight of the world is on your chest and it's trying to suffocate you, and you just want to let it. You don't want to kill yourself, you just want to disappear. It hurts to keep falling and it hurts to wonder at what point you actually will disappear. It hurts to think about anything because everything circles back around to fear, anxiety, self-loathing, or sadness. It hurts to feel like your time is running out.

It hurts to feel like a lost cause, like a burden in a place where they deal with burdens. It hurts to feel unloved because you destroy everything you love and you don't mean to.

It hurts to feel like you're not in control of yourself. It hurts to lose your grip on your emotions and watch them spiral out of control. It hurts to see yourself doing things that you didn't tell yourself to so and it hurts to hear yourself say things you don't mean.

It hurts to be sick. It feels like a green-gray darkness sliding down your throat and coating your bones like slime, bleeding from your eyes and telling the whole world you're afflicted and should be avoided. 

It hurts to think that the person you've always been isn't who you were meant to be. What you strive for is to one day realize you are just a cocoon and have some perfect, stable person break out of it and spread their wings. But it hurts to wonder if that person is going to be you or not. It hurts to think about someone else walking out of that cocoon in your body and leaving everything that was you behind.

It hurts to think about all the little things you do that are wrong. All the things you never thought were strange but were all along. It hurts to be afraid of being afraid and it hurts to go crazy over being crazy. 

It hurts to realize that you've gotten here, and it hurts to have breakdowns over breaking down. It hurts to spiral on and on and never hit the bottom. It hurts to tear yourself to shreds over every little thing.

And it hurts me to watch you and feel every single thing like it was happening to me. It hurts to feel your pain, and it hurts to see you apologize when I've already forgiven you. It hurts to stay when you hurt me, but it hurts worse to leave.

It hurts to get stronger. It hurts to pick yourself up and take the little things in stride, because it's hard to remember, sometimes, that you don't understand either. That you're not really in control of yourself. That you're probably even more confused, and in pain, and struggling to figure anything out. 

It hurts to see you in so much pain. It hurts to know that everything hurts right now, and even trying to help hurts. But I'll get through it for you.

I'll sit there and take handfuls of midnight from your hair, dark and sleek and powerful, and I'll talk to you until you fall asleep, because I know how worried you get at night. I'll sing softly to you without a moment of embarrassment, and I'll tell you stories like you're a child again, as long as it helps ease you into sleep. I'll lean over and kiss you on the lips, and you'll smile a little and pretend like you didn't notice. I'll stay there, my warmth next to yours, and if you wake up panicking in the middle of the night, I'll bring you back down. 

I'll be there to kiss you in the morning, and I'll hold your hand when you're worried about treatment, worried about medicine, worried about a routine shot, worried about changing. Even though you're nearly twice my size, I'll still lead the way if you need me to, and I'll always remember that you're fragile on the inside, no matter how tough you are on the outside. 

I'll put the pieces back together when they fall apart. I'll do it every time without being asked.

I won't be afraid to tell you that you're going to be okay, because even if you're uncertain, I  _believe_ it, goddammit. I'll sit there and hold your shoulders while you're crying on the bathroom floor because you're afraid of hot water today and you don't know why, and you think it's stupid and you don't understand. I'll be there, even in the darkest and most pathetic of times, to tell you that you're not weak or stupid, and to tell you that you are not alone.

It hurts to love you, but not by any fault of your own. I can see you healing, and it brings tears to my eyes sometimes. It's a slow, shaky process, and you're stumbling and falling back down a lot, but what matters is that you're getting to your feet at all. You're progressing. And you will get better, and it won't be someone else that takes your place. It'll be you, always.

It hurts to be here. In this place, at this stage. It hurts to stumble and fall when you were so close to walking again, but it's not the end. Far from it.

Everything hurts. It hurts to be here, it hurts to help you, it hurts to love you, it hurts to love me, it hurts to breathe and it hurts to exist. But it's not forever. I'll tell you that you're going to be alright until you are, and no matter what, I'll stand by your side.

No matter what anyone says about you, or about me, or about us. About this stupid little computer nerd who's 'in way over his head' and 'doesn't know what he's doing', about this madman who's 'bound to kill him'. I'm not here for them, and neither are you.

I'll always be here for you. I won't abandon you when you're healed, and I won't abandon you before that. I'll let you use me as a security blanket if you need to, and I'll let you tell me what to do if it helps you get used to standing up for yourself again. I'll let your tears dampen my shirt as many times as you cry, and I'll take care of you.

It hurts. I know. The mountain seems unconquerable. But we're looking up at the peak, and that's what matters. We're on our way. And we'll go hand-in-hand, leaning on each other. Sunlight and midnight, intertwining, weaving together when nobody is watching, breathing each other in and out.

It hurts. But not forever.

 


End file.
